what the fuck, brookville hall?

okay, so i don't understand why girls that live on this floor that use the bathroom i go to are so fucking disgusting. i walked into all three stalls, and all three stalls were FILTHY. the first one i went into had freaking blood stains on the seat. EW. the second one i went into made me scream out "WTF" and i was so disgusted. i'd rather have seen someone's stool in there then bloody water. damn. that girl must have a fucking heavy period because that was DISGUSTING, probably the worst thing i've ever seen. the third stall i went into smelled like they missed the bowl when they peed. cmon! WE ARE NOT GUYS. unless of course it was a guy using it. but idk. this is just disgusting and im so sick of the lack of hygiene these girls have. wtf you're in college. learn how to do something you were taught to do since you were a toddler.

FLUSH THE FUCKING TOILET.

'tis the season.

thanksgiving is around the corner and there's so much i'm thankful for this year.. it's been a while since i've been thankful for anything. i mean, i wouldn't even be able to tell you what i was thankful for last year other than being grateful that i graduated out of high school and got into a good school. this year, i'm thankful for so much.

i'm thankful for God for letting me experience the pain i went through to learn from the mistakes i went through to get this far. the faith the He gave me to get through every day even when i thought "this is the end for me, i see nothing further in my life." the joy He let me experience through my friends and the things we did. and the protection He always gave me. He never failed to let me feel alone and scared when i was by myself. Thank You for always being there for me, even when i didn't believe You where there.

i'm thankful for my family. through the fights and struggles we go through daily, i'm glad that you're my family and we all know that we'll be a close family no matter what the problems are.

i'm thankful for the friends i've been able to keep back at home. even though i go to school, not so far away from home, my lack of effort to call you guys everyday never phased you guys. i'm just glad that after nine years of friendship, we're still friends. and for the friends that have been in my life for just a couple of months, i'm glad that we were able to get so close in such a short amount of time.

i'm thankful for the friends i've made at school. i can't complain that we all are so different in so many ways, hate each other, love each other, get annoyed, or whatever the case may be, we can always still be friends. we've created so many memories together that we can keep forever.

i'm thankful for the friends i've lost. seems weird that i'd be grateful to lose friends, but only because if it wasn't for you guys, i wouldn't have realized how fucked up you guys were. from being fake as fuck and hypocritical, i'm so HAPPY you all are not in my life anymore because i only enjoy life ten times more without you.

i'm thankful for my boyfriend; the one i love to hate and hate to love. you're the biggest goof i've ever met, and i've never been more happy. you're the only boyfriend that i've had thats so entirely different then the previous boyfriends. i couldn't be more happy to be with you even though i don't tell you this everyday. i'm glad that i randomly met you in my friends room while you used my textbook, bagged you on facebook and got your number (ooooh, like that don't you?) all on the same day. i think. but anyway, i'm a lot happier then i've been in a while and you're part of the reason. :)

i'm just thankful for those who are in my life, who made an impact.

happy thanksgiving everyone!

rekindling old memories.

a year ago sometime during this time, i broke down crying every tear out of my body trying to fight the feelings out of my heart with my mind from what i thought was making the right decision. today, i had the same thing happen to me again... not something i'm proud of you only because i hate to be seen as a weak person, unable to overcome something so.. i don't know.. i can't find the word to it right now, but all i can say is that what i'm going through isn't easy but i'm sure i'll over come it with time.

but i'm laying in bed listening to Gabe Bondoc while i'm texting a friend who've i guess i've told a lot too. then i flash back to what one of my best friends have told me before.. "don't give one person your all if all you get back in return is nothing.." seriously, i've tried to do that the first time around and i got hurt, second time, only put in half and i still got hurt.. and i've successfully done it this time, i didn't even give in that much and i still got hurt.. maybe that's just my personality or something, but i don't know. i'm not so sure about some things now.

i was also told in a letter once that a girls tears are very valuable and shouldn't be wasted on pitiful things like heartbreaks... that was from my first real boyfriend, the only person i ever genuinely learned to fall in love and i don't think i've ever loved anyone as much as i loved him. he's also the only one that i stayed friends with 'til this day because he was my first love, my first real best friend, my first everything and anything. he was a chapter in my life that caused so much joy and pain. but anyway, back on topic, what i'm trying to say is i haven't shed a tear for a boy since last year and... today. nothing too serious though.

hm, i hate how i never really think about blogs throughly and just start them and end them completely off topic. happens a lot. yikes. i'll end it with this. and yes, i re-activated my facebook account for my friend because she didn't want my facebook to disappear. ha.

xx,

erin crystal.

love has 28 definitions in the dictionary.

so i found this 'i love you' template on my phone. it made me think, if you're really going to tell someone you love, "i love you" for the first, second, even the thousandth time.. why do you need a template? don't the people at LG know better than to make that kind of template? lol.

instead, why not have the sincerity to type it out yourselves from the first letter to the last? Do you really need a template for that?

the human race confuses me sometimes.. ha.

then again, typing it out is so much faster rather than going to 'insert'.. scrolling down to 'templates' scrolling down to 'i love you' lol.

oh another thing i can't stand right now is how boys freak out when you even mention the word "love". relax my friend. love can be used as a noun to show affection or appreciation to another person, place or thing. it can also be used as a verb to show a "profound tender, passionate affection" [dictionary.com] for an object. so.. yeah, relax. don't jump

to conclusions and psych yourself out. just makes the situation even more worse and awkward, lol.

xx,

erincrystal.

first impressions.

first impressions are often said the one's that count the most. but what if the first impression is a false impression?

when one thinks about meeting a new person, things run through their minds like how the river flows into the ocean. so many things go through one's mind like, "i need to make a good impression", "i hope i made an impact" or, "i hope s/he'll call." first impressions are to leave a good impression after you meet them and for you to think "hey, this person is pretty cool." and so you'll end up being friends with the individual, or "hey, this guy might be our next employee!" but have you also ever thought about how you don't really know one person, until you've actually talked to them for a while or get to know them a bit more then the ten minutes you first meet them? after that... all those layers of protection they use to hide their real identities, real personas, begin to deteriorate. sooner or later, the real person behind all those layers reveal and you either end up hating or liking the person.

when they say, "first impression is the best impression" think about it... it isn't always the best impression one can leave. during the time you meet a person for the first time, you too, are nervous... might say the wrong things and do something stupid that you wish to take back. or you can come off as a strong person but on the inside, you're far from that.

only time can really promise you a good impression on individuals. just meeting a person that one time can't let you cloud your judgement. but of course... there are always exceptions. :)

copy and paste.

To every guy that's said, "Sex can wait"
To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful."
To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town to see her.
To every guy that gives her flowers and a card when she is sick or down.
To every guy who has given her flowers just because that's how he rolls.
To every guy that said he would die for her.
To every guy that really would.
To every guy that did what she wanted to do.
To every guy that cried in front of her. ....
To every guy that she cried in front of...
To every guy that holds hands with her.
To every guy that kisses her with meaning.
To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.
To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.
To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.
To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.
To every guy that would wait for her for hours just to see her for 10 minutes...
To every guy that would give his seat up...
To every guy that just wants to cuddle.
To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.
To every guy who told his secrets to her.
To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and breath.
To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.
To every guy that believed in her dreams.
To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.
To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.
To every guy that walked her to her car and opened the door.
To every guy that gave his heart.
To every guy who prays that she is happy even if you are not with her.
Not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore...And because of this, there are not many left out there...

I guarantee 90% of the men on your profile will not re-post this because they care more about their image

If you are a nice guy re-post this with:"This is how every girl should be treated."
If you are a girl that thinks every guy should treat a girl this way re-post this with: "To Every Guy"

so i copied and pasted this from a note on facebook and man, it's so true. every girl does want to be treated that way.. anywho, enjoy!

xx,

erincrystal.

hello, brooklyn.

the other day, me and my cousin, jenny, where coming home from SoHo. and we were talking about how once we leave the train station we just feel like, taking a deep breath, and just saying "ahhh... feels like home." just our surrounding just makes us feel so happy and assures us that we're homebound (not too much safe. lol) 

anyway, this is gonna be a short blog. and incase you were wondering about the guy i was talking about in the last blog; i'm totally over it. as funny as it sounds. it's only because i realized a lot about myself and i don't know, i need someone that knows what they want and someone that's consistent, not one that's seems as if he's still unsure about everything. wow, just thinking this over made me realize how many men i've been with.. i mean, it's not a lot, but i've gotten over them really quick. ha, i'm glad i'm no longer the person that lingers over every detail and still expected that phone call or text back! my, my, i've grown up! haha

verrazzano bridge.

caesar's bay, brooklyn, ny 

Life Lessons:

live up your life.

get wasted with friends.

don't make out with strangers.

try not to fall for guys so easily.

try not to fall so easily.

bring a mug with you if you're gonna live on campus.

and dont do papers last minute.

that was from a list i made on december 1st, on my xanga. i've done three of the seven things listed. ouch. lol

you'll always be my thunder.

so much as happened in my freshman year here at post. the good, the bad and the ugly. i cherished every moment of it. so many memories, and i've learned so much. i wouldn't have wanted it any other way. 

i've been lazy and not wanting to blog, only because i just haven't been motivated to do so. but today, i will not be lazy and actually write something. 

i'm actually really excited for next semester to come around and happen and see what it has in store for me. honestly, i never really thought that i would love the college experience so much.. anyway, so i'm listening to "Thunder" by Boys Like Girls, and i'm still totally in love with the song, even though it came out last summer. the lyrics remind me so much about this one particular person and everything we went through... as much as i loved him, it's time for me to really let go (not like i haven't already) for some reason, i've been catching myself thinking about him more lately while i'm thinking about the new person thats been in my life for the past couple of weeks. i mean they're both wonderful men, but just that i'm the type to compare and contrast. and for some reason, one night, i was walking back to my building, with tequila lingering in my veins, i caught myself thinking about the time i was hysterically crying to him spilling out all the insecurities i had for my freshman year. i was terrified of living alone, not having my mom or grandma taking care of me, cleaning up after me. but i realized that i was scared for nothing and i was totally fine my first year in. i just ended up laughing to myself and proceeded on with the rest of my night.

that night was alright, but i wish it was better. but honestly, i wouldn't have asked for more. laying next to the person you actually like spending your time with and actually feeling happy for once. yeah, i still have my insecurities with him but, what can i do. at this moment, i don't really go in head first anymore. i can't go into a relationship (not boyfriend-girlfriend wise) with expectations and then getting disappointed. i'd rather be surprised as to what the person's next action is rather then, "okay, next i want him too.." going into any relationship with anyone like that just destroys yourself causing more pain on yourself then anyone else. i'm just saying... 

wow, this is the first time i'm actually talking about him with real feelings attached, oh shit. haha, i mean yeah, sometimes i get caught up in the moment, thinking about him sometimes, but i really don't wanna get hurt again. that seriously is the last thing i want to do to myself. 

okay, i really need to get some sleep. it's 4:01am and i have work in abouttttt 5 hours. fun!

xx. 

**btw, this entry was written in may. idk why it say's april. oh well!**

sick.

i just love how you're taking her to all the places i bought you too when we went out on for our dates and anniversaries. not only does that make me sick to my stomach, it makes me laugh due to your stupidity. all this time i'm hearing shit about how you're so over me or whatever and here i am, sitting behind my laptop looking at pictures we go to.. places that we went to, places we shared our memories at.. why don't you bring her to our spot while you're at it. knowing you, you probably would. knowing you you'll ALWAYS remember me every time you step into the city, every time you go to times square, every damn time you see my friends. 

you're an idiot and you definitely make me sick to the pit of my stomach.

no wonder i hated you so much. thanks for reminding me, because for a while now, i started to forget.

life lessons.

mo⋅ral⋅i⋅ty

–noun

1.	conformity to the rules of right conduct; moral or virtuous conduct.

2.	moral quality or character.

3.	virtue in sexual matters; chastity.

4.	a doctrine or system of morals.

5.	moral instruction; a moral lesson, precept, discourse, or utterance.

lately, i've been facing with the whole trust issue again. i mean, i never had a great experience with it either. but now, being in college, it's even more difficult. i only have a couple of people i can actually talk to about my problems and issues and she's been wonderful, listening to my problems, talking to me, telling me what i should do and what i shouldn't do.

but not only am i facing that--i fucked up. big time.

like, its so bad, that i don't even know what to do with myself anymore. i'm having a horrible time trusting anyone and just being skeptic to every person that i talk to now.. especially guys. sometimes, i just wished i listened to the advice ken gave me before i left for school.. the three top rules i should've followed... (and no, i'm not gonna tell you what it is either.. haha) i think, if i followed those rules, i wouldn't be stuck in this situation right now... boo.

i seriously think that this situation i'm in could have been evolved from my childhood.. growing up, i was always given the impression that i was fat, ugly, short, my eyes were to small, my hair was too thick.. all of my flaws were pointed out to me over and over again, day after day. then when as i got older, people would gas me up, telling i was beautiful or whatever just to get what they wanted. after hearing that i was beautiful to them just made me stop myself and go"wow, they think im beautiful.." no knowing their intentions were far worse then that.

guys just tell you what you want to hear, just to GET what they want from you.. i wish i was just more careful with them.. now, i heartbreak after heartbreak (two or three so far..) i finally get the picture that i should just stop myself... and let myself love me for who i am, before i start fucking myself over again..

**this was written about a couple of months ago.**

new semester!

spring 2009.

this semester finally started last wednesday, and i'm closer to finishing off my first year in college as every hour ticks by and so far, its been quite the journey for me.

i've learned quite a lot about myself through others and i'm pretty proud of myself. as always, we gain and lose friends and through it all, we figure out who our real friends are. there are the ones that stick to you through it all no matter what, and then there are the ones that just think its okay to fuck you over. my first year taught me so much about myself academically too. i realized that i'm one of those students that do horribly under pressure and start things two weeks before the due date. and then there's the part of me that never studies because i'm a horrible studier. honestly, i don't know how i even passed political science.. lol

lately, i've done quite a few things that i'm definitely not proud of. i wish i would have been more careful, rather then carefree. i done a lot of stuff that i wouldn't have imagined allowing myself to do in a million years.  or, things that happened to me that i would never thought would ever happen.

anyway, other then that.. i'm getting a new tattoo soon! don't know when yet, but it will be soon! i'm getting a blue star on my left wrist with the initial 'M' in the middle of it to represent my last name. each corner of the star will represent a significant person in my family.. my mother, my father, my brother and my sister. the last corner? that will be for my grandmama<3 

even though my family is fucked up enough to be a TVB soap, i wouldn't trade them for the world. lol or would i.. ? :b

so for some reason, lately, when i'm walking to class, or just walking by myself; i've been thinking about the same person--over and over again. i don't know why and when i think of this person, i always end up mumbling these words to myself in the harsh winter weather...

"i love the way you smile at me when we see each other..

the way you kiss me passionately while we hold hands, or lay in bed..

the jokes you tell just to put a smile on my face..

the tingle down my spine when you kiss my neck..

the way you hold me at night when we fall fast asleep..

the way you playfully twiddle my hair between your two fingers..

the way you make me feel when i'm around you..

the way your warmth instantly makes all the pain in my world disappear..

i love.. you."

 it isn't exactly to a certain person, but more like.. i don't know.. the combination of guys i've been with for that past couple of months.. and who knows, my future boyfriend? i'm done for tonight. i think it's time for me to go to sleep!

great start, new year.

not so much.

i mean, i had a GREAT new year's eve/new years, don't get me wrong. but now, i'm not sure if things are really working out for me. the whole thing with me being back at school was to work to make more money. but i'm only making only enough to pay for my room. sigh, being broke sucks. i need to find a second job. i want to find a second job. but there's no one hiring! i basically applied to almost every store at broadway mall. and on top of that, i can't drive. i've been wanting to get my license since like forever, but now i'm just terrified of driving. anyway, money's the least of my problems. my back still hurts. only now, its worse then ever. ugh. i didn't want to go through a box of bengay and icy/hot patches again, so i called momma mei up and asked her to make a doctor's appointment for me. and guess what? I HAD NO TIME TO GO. so the only option i have left right now is to go immediately after work and take a day off. i'm praying its nothing bad. ugh. whatever, i'm totally over it now.

oh yeah, you know what else sucks? insomnia.

caesar's bay, brooklyn, ny

i miss you.