life lessons.

mo⋅ral⋅i⋅ty

–noun

1.	conformity to the rules of right conduct; moral or virtuous conduct.

2.	moral quality or character.

3.	virtue in sexual matters; chastity.

4.	a doctrine or system of morals.

5.	moral instruction; a moral lesson, precept, discourse, or utterance.

lately, i've been facing with the whole trust issue again. i mean, i never had a great experience with it either. but now, being in college, it's even more difficult. i only have a couple of people i can actually talk to about my problems and issues and she's been wonderful, listening to my problems, talking to me, telling me what i should do and what i shouldn't do.

but not only am i facing that--i fucked up. big time.

like, its so bad, that i don't even know what to do with myself anymore. i'm having a horrible time trusting anyone and just being skeptic to every person that i talk to now.. especially guys. sometimes, i just wished i listened to the advice ken gave me before i left for school.. the three top rules i should've followed... (and no, i'm not gonna tell you what it is either.. haha) i think, if i followed those rules, i wouldn't be stuck in this situation right now... boo.

i seriously think that this situation i'm in could have been evolved from my childhood.. growing up, i was always given the impression that i was fat, ugly, short, my eyes were to small, my hair was too thick.. all of my flaws were pointed out to me over and over again, day after day. then when as i got older, people would gas me up, telling i was beautiful or whatever just to get what they wanted. after hearing that i was beautiful to them just made me stop myself and go"wow, they think im beautiful.." no knowing their intentions were far worse then that.

guys just tell you what you want to hear, just to GET what they want from you.. i wish i was just more careful with them.. now, i heartbreak after heartbreak (two or three so far..) i finally get the picture that i should just stop myself... and let myself love me for who i am, before i start fucking myself over again..

**this was written about a couple of months ago.**

new semester!

spring 2009.

this semester finally started last wednesday, and i'm closer to finishing off my first year in college as every hour ticks by and so far, its been quite the journey for me.

i've learned quite a lot about myself through others and i'm pretty proud of myself. as always, we gain and lose friends and through it all, we figure out who our real friends are. there are the ones that stick to you through it all no matter what, and then there are the ones that just think its okay to fuck you over. my first year taught me so much about myself academically too. i realized that i'm one of those students that do horribly under pressure and start things two weeks before the due date. and then there's the part of me that never studies because i'm a horrible studier. honestly, i don't know how i even passed political science.. lol

lately, i've done quite a few things that i'm definitely not proud of. i wish i would have been more careful, rather then carefree. i done a lot of stuff that i wouldn't have imagined allowing myself to do in a million years.  or, things that happened to me that i would never thought would ever happen.

anyway, other then that.. i'm getting a new tattoo soon! don't know when yet, but it will be soon! i'm getting a blue star on my left wrist with the initial 'M' in the middle of it to represent my last name. each corner of the star will represent a significant person in my family.. my mother, my father, my brother and my sister. the last corner? that will be for my grandmama<3 

even though my family is fucked up enough to be a TVB soap, i wouldn't trade them for the world. lol or would i.. ? :b

so for some reason, lately, when i'm walking to class, or just walking by myself; i've been thinking about the same person--over and over again. i don't know why and when i think of this person, i always end up mumbling these words to myself in the harsh winter weather...

"i love the way you smile at me when we see each other..

the way you kiss me passionately while we hold hands, or lay in bed..

the jokes you tell just to put a smile on my face..

the tingle down my spine when you kiss my neck..

the way you hold me at night when we fall fast asleep..

the way you playfully twiddle my hair between your two fingers..

the way you make me feel when i'm around you..

the way your warmth instantly makes all the pain in my world disappear..

i love.. you."

 it isn't exactly to a certain person, but more like.. i don't know.. the combination of guys i've been with for that past couple of months.. and who knows, my future boyfriend? i'm done for tonight. i think it's time for me to go to sleep!

great start, new year.

not so much.

i mean, i had a GREAT new year's eve/new years, don't get me wrong. but now, i'm not sure if things are really working out for me. the whole thing with me being back at school was to work to make more money. but i'm only making only enough to pay for my room. sigh, being broke sucks. i need to find a second job. i want to find a second job. but there's no one hiring! i basically applied to almost every store at broadway mall. and on top of that, i can't drive. i've been wanting to get my license since like forever, but now i'm just terrified of driving. anyway, money's the least of my problems. my back still hurts. only now, its worse then ever. ugh. i didn't want to go through a box of bengay and icy/hot patches again, so i called momma mei up and asked her to make a doctor's appointment for me. and guess what? I HAD NO TIME TO GO. so the only option i have left right now is to go immediately after work and take a day off. i'm praying its nothing bad. ugh. whatever, i'm totally over it now.

oh yeah, you know what else sucks? insomnia.

caesar's bay, brooklyn, ny

i miss you.